


Be still my heart

by Starysky205



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Floating Hearts, I sort of wanted to do this, M/M, Pinning Connor, Sorry Not Sorry, aka: the most requested au, don't take this seriously, i made up the color meanings, ok no, pinning Evan, pinning jared, what happens when you push Skyler too much
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-24
Updated: 2018-02-03
Packaged: 2019-02-06 03:35:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 12,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12808743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starysky205/pseuds/Starysky205
Summary: It all came down to a natural phenomenon, when one felt strongly about someone else, floating hearts would appear above their head, these hearts would be colored to match the personality of the someone one felt so strongly for.(This one's for IHaveNoClue and Q; because they're the reason I did so many oneshots of this au, and now here we are)





	1. Looking through a fogged up glass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Most of these chapters were written for “And you decided whether you saw beauty or destruction”, though I edited them a bit to fit with the storyline, so I do recommend you re-read them.

Evan had always been aware of Zoe Murphy; she was nicer than anyone Evan knew, and good with music, and so many things. It didn’t surprise Evan when he started popping hearts every time he saw her.

The hearts appeared at random, and were hard to hide, not that anyone was watching Evan, he was practically invisible, but still. They were bright orange, which was intriguing, because Zoe didn’t seem like she’d fit the color, but then again Evan didn’t know her.

Orange hearts were resourceful, quick to thought, but just as quick to judgement, often referred as bittersweet, they’re brash and spontaneous, but caring and protective. The perfect match for an orange is a blue heart, but they can also be a good match for a violet or green one.

Evan knows all of this, has it all but memorized in his head, and clings onto it because it’s the closest he’ll get to knowing her.

He’s been thinking about this all summer, last year he barely managed to hide the hearts from Jared and Alana, the only two people who knew of his existence, Alana was easier, since she was always so busy, Jared not so much. For all Jared claimed to have other friends, he sure seemed to spend a lot of time with Evan; still, Evan managed to keep his hearts a secret.

The first day of school was always hard, first day of senior year with one less limb was going to be hell, Evan could feel it in his unbroken bones. Jared approaches him with that shit eating grin he always seems to wear.

“Is it weird to be the first person in history to break their arm from jerking off too much or do you consider it an honor?”

Evan thinks for a moment that there's probably someone who did that already, he doesn't say this though, because that'd be implying that he did that, which, he didn't.

“W-what? I wasn’t.”

“Paint me the picture: you’re in your bedroom, you’ve got Zoe Murphy’s Instagram open on your weird, off-brand phone.”

Evan feels himself blushing, and fears that he'll pop a few hearts, here, in front of Jared, when he had successfully hid them from him for half a year.

"T-that's not what happened! Obviously. I was just‑ well, I was climbing a tree and I fell"

“You fell? Out of a tree? What are you, like, an acorn?”

At least Jared being his usual self gave him the perfect distraction, saving him from the embarrassment for another few hours.

“Well I was- I don’t know if you know this, but I worked this summer as an Apprentice Park Ranger, um, at Ellison State Park? I’m sort of a tree expert now, I mean, not to brag...anyway, I tried to climb this forty foot tall oak tree…”

“And you fell?"

“Well, it’s actually a funny story, though, because there was a solid ten minutes after I fell where I just laid there on the ground waiting for someone to come get me. I was just saying to myself uh, any second now, they’re going to come.”

“Did they?”

“No, nobody came. That’s what’s funny”

Jared just gave him a look, then his attention was caught by someone else.

"Hey Connor! Loving the new hair length! Very school shooter chic”

Evan knows Connor, has seen him walk the halls behind Zoe like a shadow, eyes fixed to the floor, back hunched, hands on his pockets, or gripping at the strap of his bag, looking like he wants to blink out of existence, and that’s very relatable.

Connor being relatable brings a sort of weird amusement to Evan, it’s not really funny, but it makes him chuckle. That, brings attention to him, and there’s Connor looking at him with ire lit eyes.

"What the fuck are you laughing at?"

Evan scrambles to fix it and fails spectacularly because then he’s on the ground.


	2. How blinded have I been?

He doesn’t see Connor again until later, much later, actually almost at the end of the school day, when he’s in the computer lab.

"What happened to your arm?"

Evan would like to think that anyone would've reacted like he did in his situation, which means he jumped on the chair at the sound of Connor's voice, less because of who Connor was, and more because it startled him. Connor doesn't say anything to this; he just waits for Evan to answer.

“I-I fell. Out of a t-tree.”

“Well that’s the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard, oh my god.”

Evan lets out a weak chuckle, nervous, because it feels like Connor is looking right through him, and he doesn't want him to see anything out of place.

“Y-yeah.”

“No one's signed your cast.”

"Oh yeah, no..."

Evan had asked Jared, but Jared had refused and proceeded to remind Evan that he was a lonely disaster, and Jared only hanged out with him because he got something out of it. Connor takes a step towards Evan, who reasons thinking about Jared with Connor Murphy in front of him, was probably a bad call.

"Well, I'll sign it"

"Oh no, you don't have to"

Connor takes another step forward.

"Do you have a pen?"

Evan rummages his backpack until he finds a sharpie and hands it to Connor, who proceeds to write his name on Evan's cast in big bold letters.

"Oh, thanks"

"Yeah well, now we can both pretend to have friends"

"That's true"

There’s an awkward pause before Evan notices his letter on Connor’s hands, and he feels bile rising to his throat. Connor follows his eyes and shifts it closer to him.

“This is your, right? “Dear Evan Hansen”, that’s your name?”

“Yeah, no, it’s mine; it’s uh… an assignment”

He watches hopelessly as Connor reads it.

“Because there’s Zoe? Is this about my sister?!”

Evan is dead, oh god, he’s so dead.

“You...wrote this because you knew that I would find it”

Evan stumbles over himself, gives shaky excuses to someone who’s deafened by anger.

“Yeah. You saw that I was the only other person in the computer lab, so you wrote this and you printed it out so that I would find it. So I would read some creepy shit you wrote about my sister and freak out, right?!”

It feels like his heart is being ripped apart, pulled at the already lose seams, like the world is breaking around him.

“And then you can tell everyone that I’m crazy, right?! Fuck you!”

Connor takes his leave, like a passing hurricane, and Evan has to stop him, if nothing else, because he knows, he knows, he knows.

“Wait! Connor, wait!”

His feet move on instinct, and his hand reaches for the taller boy, Evan can’t let him leave, he can’t, he can’t. Connor whirls around, and he’s everything terrifying about talking to someone, and yet…

Yet Evan talks, explains everything in a breath, like he’s running out of time, desperate to get the other to listen, to stop. Somehow, amazingly, Connor does, he stops, and slows Evan down, and he listens, until every word is said, left to hang in the air between them.

Connor breathes slowly, hands the paper back to Evan, who quickly shoves it inside his backpack, the motion feels somewhat familiar. Connor apologizes, Evan apologizes at the same time, and then Connor laughs, and Evan joins him.

They stay like that for just a moment; then Connor re-adjusts the strap on his shoulder, and gives Evan a rushed nod.

“Bye Hansen”

He almost makes it to the door before Evan finds his voice again.

“See you!”

Connor turns to him, his gaze softens, and the corner of his mouth lift somewhat, and in the mixing light of the sun and the school halls he looks ethereal; then he turns once again and walks into the sunlight, door swinging behind him. Evan feels something hit his head, and when he grabs it he finds one of the hearts, bright orange, and oh... oh!


	3. I’m but a coward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the one I edited the most so far, there’s a few things added that weren’t in the original one-shot, so you should read it.

Connor dragged his feet across the halls of hell… high school, same difference. He kept his eyes glued to the ground uncaring of anyone he clashed against; no one had enough balls to call him out on it anyways; sometimes being the school’s resident psychopath had its benefits.

He only dragged his eyes away from the well-known floor when he heard a familiar voice, he saw Kleinman being ridiculous in front of the only guy at school that was probably more of an outcast than Connor, it wasn’t the first time he found himself staring at Evan Hansen, and it would most likely not be the last. Ever since the incident at the beginning of the year, Connor had been keeping an eye on him, there was something about Evan that resounded with Connor, something that most people would glance over, like they were kindred spirits, which made Connor feel a need to make sure the other was ok.

Kleinman slips over nothing and falls unceremoniously to the ground, and there’s a beat before Evan’s whole being morphs into laughter, bright and soft and real; Connor feels something escape him and looks up, snatching the heart out of the air, then looking around to check that no one saw that, before running for the closest bathroom.

The hearts are the other thing that isn't new to Connor; they've been appearing since the second half of junior year. Connor remembers the moment the first heart had appeared with odd clarity.

He remembers it being a cloudy day, or that’s how it had started, when Connor went outside for lunch, the clouds were parting, leaving halos of light to come through. There, staring at the sky, he saw Evan Hansen, and in the dancing light, he looked like the definition of peace.

Connor remembers feeling an extra weight on his head, and reaching out to find something there, it was smooth and cool to the touch, just heavy enough to catch his attention, but not to hurt him. He remembers seeing it for the first time, the purest shade of blue, a perfect heart shape, not a single flaw visible, and then Connor looked up again and Evan had gained a content smile, he felt two more objects landing on his head.

 It took him a bit to realize what they were, his mind had been hazy from being in class, and then he was hit with their meaning. The hearts were a problem because they mean that Connor has fallen for Evan Hansen.

Back to the present where Connor's hiding in the men's bathroom, this time so nobody sees how gay he is instead of the usual reasons, he looks down to the blue heart in his hands and immediately thinks about Evan Hansen, and his freckled check, and the way his hair gained a golden halo under the sunlight, the way his lips quirked into an awkward grimace whenever Kleinman made an awful joke, or spread into a full grin when Kleinman did something ridiculous, like he had in the hall earlier. Connor finds himself surrounded by more of the blue hearts; he figures it's due time he'd learn what they mean, so takes his cellphone and does the research.

Blue hearts are adaptable but volatile all at once, they represent salvation and drowning, they're understanding with everyone but themselves, patient with everyone but themselves, naturally soothing and just as exhilarating. The perfect match for a blue is an orange heart, but they can also be a good match with a yellow or red one.

Connor picks up the ones that gathered in the floor around him, and to shove them inside his locker, he finishes shutting the door and sees people go out of their classrooms for lunch.

Evan often spends lunch in the library, which Connor only knows because he run out of places to be while avoiding the cafeteria. He finds Evan at a remote table, nose buried in a book, he has a frustrated look on his face, like he’s been reading the same sentence over an over but can’t get it through his head, Connor watches as he sighs and slumps back on the chair, and has to pluck a few more hearts from above his head, but he isn’t the only one...

Three vibrant orange hearts pop above Evan, he grabs them far more gently than Connor does his, and he looks at them in a mixture of resignation and confusion and endearment, and Connor walks off, because his crush likes someone else, someone perfect for him.


	4. A lovesick fool

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You can technically skip this one if you’ve read it as a one shot, I only added minor details.

After his discovery, Evan turned to the only person he could. He finds himself sitting in the computer lab again, this time facing Jared, holding his backpack in his lap.

He gives Jared a vague explanation, tells him he’s been having hearts since junior year, and that he only found out who they were for recently.

Evan drums his fingers on his bag, while Jared sits on one of the desks crossing his arms.

“So”   
“I have no idea what to do?”

“Well, who is it?”

Evan gets flustered, and starts thinking about Connor before he can stop himself, he feels a heart drop down beside him on the floor.

“It’s not Zoe, Alana gets indigo hearts for her, and yours aren’t”

Evan opens the bag then, filled as it is of the bright orange hearts.

“He’s bittersweet”

“He?”   
Evan takes a deep breath and closes his eyes tightly.

“You had the wrong Murphy”

“What?”   
Evan doesn’t say anything, eyes still shut, he can hear the moment Jared starts laughing.

“Oh my god”

He chances a glance at him; he looks very amused by this turn of events.

“Connor?”

“Yes”   
“How did that happen?”

Evan swallows, trying to think back, because he can't pin point when it started, hadn't known it had started until he was hit with the image of Connor Murphy smiling.

“He’s terrifyingly beautiful”

Jared’s eyes go to a spot right above his head, where Evan knows another orange heart has appeared.

“Ok, that’s the gayest thing I’ve seen happen”

Evan groans, closing his bag so he can hide his face in it, flushed as it is.

“What are you going to do?”

Evan groans louder.

“Well fuck man, you went and fell for the most unapproachable person in school”   
“Shut up”

Evan knows, and even if Connor wasn’t like that, he would still never have the courage to go talk to him.


	5. A different perspective

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Writing for Jared was an experience, because I feel extremely conflicted towards him.  
> Ok, I added to this a bunch, so I advise you read it  
> ((The original ending was pushed for a later chapter so to make sense in the story line))

In the world where crushes were painfully hard to hide, Jared thought he was doing a fantastic job of it. He must’ve because it’d been years, and not a single person knew about his hearts.

The thing about crushes, though, was that you could have more than one, some came and went quicker than others, but the hearts remained, hidden in boxes labelled with names of people he never talked to, painted in all the colors imaginable. One color persisted, and Jared had boxes upon boxes filled with it, had come to somewhat despise its existence.

Jared wondered, if anyone ever felt for him, what color their hearts would be painted in, had searched every color he had saved to find a match, to find a single one missing.

Green hearts were resilient; an enabler to a point, green hearts will encourage in others what they can’t accomplish themselves, but they will do so subtly as to not be called out on it; greens are often referred to as lighthearted. The best match for a green heart is a red one, but they may also do well with a violet or an orange one.

Jared accepted this, he could handle this, he had fallen for plenty of people in those three colors, he didn’t have to think about the pile of boxes that didn’t match him, or the person those hearts pointed to.

When senior year came around Jared had made a decision, he wouldn't get a single one of the accursed hearts... that was worded badly, he would get hearts, but none of that specific color. Jared would manage it… somehow.

Oh god, Jared was not handling it, avoiding the person altogether was an impossible, he didn’t even want to imagine the consequences that would have, and trying not to think about something only makes you think about it more. Senior year was going to be the longest one yet.

Jared was honestly surprised when, a week into senior year, Evan asked him to meet in the computer lab after class.

"It's... about the hearts?"

"Are you asking me?"  
"No, no... I mean I am asking you to talk about it, but that's not what you asked, or I don't think it was, it could have been-

"Evan"

Jared had to stop him before he ran out of breath, Evan looked downwards.

"Right"

Jared sighs loudly.

"Look, whatever you need to say, just get it out so we can both go on with our lives"

Evan nods, gaze lifting but never meeting Jared's, it was better than nothing.

"I have a crush, since junior year, I uh… have been popping hearts for someone"

He's flustered, cheeks going red by the second, a heart drops down behind him; it's only there long enough for Jared to get a glimpse. Despite never having seen Evan with hearts before, Jared wasn’t surprised that he was crushing for someone, what surprised him was that it wasn’t the person he had thought it would be.

“It’s not Zoe, Alana gets indigo hearts for her, and yours aren’t”

He says it, because Jared is an observant person, and Alana is often too busy to hide her hearts well enough, also because Jared caught her a few times gazing at Zoe with that soft look people in romance movies got. Evan opens his bag, to reveal a cluster of more hearts, bright orange… a perfect match.

“He’s bittersweet”

That stops him, and Jared’s heart skips a beat, because the idea that Evan can like guys is new, and unexpected.

“He?”

“You had the wrong Murphy”

“What?”  
Evan doesn’t say anything, just closes his eyes tightly, and Jared laughs, he laughs because otherwise he’d break.

“Oh my god”

Evan finally re-opens his eyes and looks at him; Jared is an expert at faking amusement by now.

“Connor?”  
The universe must be completely insane to think Evan and Connor have anything in common, much less are perfectly suited for each other.

“Yes”  
“How did that happen?”

He hears Evan swallow, and knows him to be organizing his thoughts so to not stumble over words, or rush them out. Then he gets this look, like he’s remembering a religious experience.

“He’s terrifyingly beautiful”

Jared’s eyes go to a spot right above his head, where another orange heart has appeared. He doesn’t know what to make of it.

“Ok, that’s the gayest thing I’ve seen happen”

Evan groans, closing his bag so he can hide his face in it, and the tips of his ears are red, which means he’s flustered.

“What are you going to do?”

Evan lets out another groan, louder this time, and Jared worries, because he’s seen Connor, seen how he acts, and he’s afraid.

“Well fuck man, you went and fell for the most unapproachable person in school”  
“Shut up”

Jared knows Evan, knows that he’ll probably never approach Connor, even if they’re apparently perfect for each other. Right then, the word bittersweet, seems to fit Jared very well.


	6. Silent allies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one’s completely original, as are most of the following ones; I’ll tell you when we get to the other one-shot based one.  
> I have no idea what Alana’s and Zoe’s heart colors mean, I just thought Indigo would be good match for Zoe, and the complementary to it is yellow orange (“gold”). If you guys want to throw me some ideas in the comments, I’d appreciate it.

Connor had an idea, a concrete image, of who Evan Hansen was probably crushing for; had been aware of it for just as long as he had liked him, because Evan was bad at subtlety, and Connor knew the eyes that followed him in the halls weren’t actually looking at him.

The problem was that out of everyone in their god damned school, it just had to be Zoe; fucking hell. Connor would’ve been jealous of anyone else, but knowing Evan liked Zoe hurt like hell.  

Connor could understand why he would like her, why anyone would like her, she was so good, and despite all their fighting Connor did want to see her happy; but Zoe already had someone. She never talked about it, never mentioned it out loud, but Connor had seen her hearts and how she handled them, she always looked so sad to be hiding them.

The thing was that it didn’t only hurt because it was Zoe, and Connor’s feelings for his sister were conflictive and complex. It also hurt because Evan Hansen was headed towards heart break, because Connor had seen her sister’s hearts, and they weren’t blue.

He walked back to the library, even if Evan wouldn’t be there anymore, it had become one of his favorite hiding places; no one bothered him there. He spent a lot of time in between the books, sometimes simply staring off through one of the windows; other actually reading something, today was the former.

As he watched nothing he was hit with more thoughts about Evan, Connor fantasized a lot about Evan despite himself, his collection of blue hearts had grown since the beginning of the year, since Evan went out of his way to stop Connor, since the boy he was head over heels for saved his life without knowing.

There are steps behind him, and suddenly he’s trapped, frozen in place, feet surrounded by bright blue hearts. For a moment he doesn’t even breathe, turning around like he’s the protagonist on a horror movie, only to find Alana Beck standing there.

There’s something to be said about the wave of relief Connor feels when he recognizes her; he’s always liked Alana, she treats him like she does everyone else, and that’s freeing, that’s heavy.

“You too?”  
Connor licks his lips at that, he could avoid it completely, walk away, but he doesn’t.

"I'm not uh... I wasn't planning on anyone knowing"

"I see"

"Does yours know?"

"She does"

"Oh... that's- that's cool I guess"

"Have you talked to them?"

"No, he's... he likes someone else"

There's a pause, Connor might as well take advantage of the only person at school willing to listen to him.

"I think he might be crushing on Zoe"  
"Oh, does he get indigo hearts too?"

"What?"

"What?"

She looks entirely flustered, Connor feels like everything is suddenly falling into place.

"You're why she gets all those gold hearts?"

"Technically they're more like a yellowish orange"  
"They're called gold in the guide"  
Alana made a face, like fair enough.

"That's not the point Beck, are you or not secretly dating my sister?"

Alana bites her lip, and Connor doesn't need to hear the answer, surprisingly, he's perfectly ok with this; honestly out of everyone in school Alana is probably the one person who can tell him this without him actually snapping, that says something.

"If you hurt her... she gets enough shit from me"  
"I won't!"  
"Good"

"Does your crush get indigo hearts?"  
Connor slumps against the wall, shaking his head no.  
"He has a perfect match"

Alana gives him a pained smile, Connor agrees with the sentiment.

"I'm sorry"  
Connor shrugs.

"He deserves to be happy"

Alana smiles softer then, carefully reaching a hand out and placing it on his shoulder.  
"You do too"  
Connor doesn't know what to think of that, so he brushes her off, and walks away; she won't tell anyone, he trusts her, that says a lot.


	7. Painted in matching hues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You had to wait because I didn’t have this written.  
> Also I had like five requests on “And you decided [etc]”   
> No one answered my question, but I managed to get the meanings down somehow.

Zoe Murphy would say she’s possibly the luckiest girl in school.

Zoe had always been a fan of the floating hearts, the whole concept was amazing to her, the only problem people had with it was that unless someone confessed to you, there was no way to know what color was yours. Zoe didn’t have this problem.

It wasn’t that she had always known, she just liked the idea so much that she looked up every color she could think of until one clicked. That year she dyed indigo streaks on her hair, a proclamation.

She had plenty of crushes over the years, but none of them was her perfect match, until freshman year of high school.

She was the prettiest girl Zoe had ever seen, ok, maybe that was biased, but she was also really nice, and friendly, and smart and… god, Zoe was very weak.

Her name was Alana Beck, and Zoe sprouted vibrant golden hearts every time she saw her. Being as much of a fan of the heart meanings as she was she knew what that meant.

Gold hearts are compassionate but overly energetic, genuine but only in certain aspects, they tend towards overworking themselves; extremely bright minded, gold hearts favor witty humor. The perfect match for a gold heart is an indigo one, though they may also find good relationships with violet or blue hearts. 

It wasn’t until near the end of the year that she gathered enough courage to ask her out. Zoe was the luckiest girl in school because Alana liked her back.

They went to plenty of secret dates during the summer, and created a collection of indigo and golden heart between both of them, matching perfectly with one another.

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~

Alana Beck was not one to believe in fate.

She knew, realistically, that she wasn’t exempt from crushes, but she wasn’t actively seeking them, not when there were a hundred other things she had to do, or could be doing.

She concentrated on her studies, she participated in her clubs, she spoke to people, she had plenty of acquaintances. Acquaintance was a good word, a safe word, a word that excused ignorance and lack of caring… Alana despised the word, and yet.

Yet she hid herself behind it, so that she didn’t grow attached, so that she couldn’t be hurt, a crush faded quickly without any interaction, or so it worked for her, until it didn’t.

She had never hid her hearts, it was a waste of time and energy, and she couldn’t see how showing she could feel strongly towards someone else could be a thing she should be ashamed of, but then again she hardly ever coincided with her peer’s opinions on what was embarrassing and what wasn’t. The indigo hearts were perhaps the prettiest ones yet.

As a rule, Alana liked to know about everything in her life, including what kind of person the hearts appeared for; she knew who she was. Zoe Murphy, Alana had a fair share of classes with her brother, and Connor was one of the people she actually wanted to call her friend, she envied his ability to be so unbothered by everything.

Zoe was different from Connor and Alana, she was a likeable person, she drew people in, and people listened to her, they paid attention to her; Zoe had a passion she strived to achieve, and she was unfairly beautiful. She was everything Alana had wanted to be, and so much more, it didn’t surprise her when the hearts started appearing.

Alana is fascinated, and so, she searches.

Indigo hearts are adventurous, often ones for trying new things, they're most at home within their passions; indigo hearts are also self-defensive, often over protective of themselves, they might put on a front so to not get hurt. The best match for an indigo heart is a gold one, though green and red hearts can also make good matches for them.

Alana wasn’t planning on doing anything with her crush, she never did, she would just keep doing what she was doing and it would eventually go away, like every other crush she had. Zoe had different plans.

Being confessed to was surprising, being asked out unexpected, falling hopelessly for the younger girl was unplanned. For once, Alana was ok with that.


	8. Inevitable situations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was never meant to be a thing, but here we are. This is most likely going to be a short story.  
> Enjoy!  
> Guess who’s back!!

The problem with crushes being so… noticeable was that, eventually, someone was bound to find you out. Evan could confirm this.

It wasn’t that he was hiding the hearts from his mom… ok that was a lie; but Evan hardly ever saw his mom, so he liked to think it was more of a not having any opportunity to talk to her about it situation.

The truth was that Evan, like always, was afraid. He was scared because there were hundreds of horror stories about what could happen if his mom wasn’t ok with him liking a boy.

It was delicate subject, even without taking into account who he was crushing for. Connor Murphy was generally a grey cloud carrying thunder, but Evan had seen a different side of him, one that was lonely and careful, a side that reflected his orange hue to perfections; and Evan was... Evan.

Since he found out who his orange hearts really belonged to, Evan found himself seeing Connor more often, or rather, noticing that the other boy was often in the same places as him. Seeing was a soft word, it was more like his whole attention was directed to the other boy the moment he saw him, and then Evan had to force himself to look anywhere else.

Evan had acquired a collection of orange hearts because of this, so it was only a matter of the right moment. The right moment turned out to be kind of an accident, as he hadn’t been expecting her to get home at the time.

It wasn’t unusual for Evan’s mind to wander of when he was alone, especially now that there was something to stray him from the voices in his head. Perhaps it was silly to hold onto something that would most likely never happen, to put his hope on someone who would never see him, but what else did he have? He’d be back there, back at the tree otherwise.

He didn’t like to think about it, refused to give power to the memory by burring himself in the impossible, trying to hide from himself. It was easier to think about Connor, to get lost in the details he carved into his brain, everything he would only ever see from afar.

When Heidi came home he was surrounded by orange, with nowhere to run; left to stare at his mother in frozen fear, like he was caught doing something horrible. Evan likes to tell himself that if the situation had been different, that if his crush had actually been on Zoe or any other girl, he would’ve told his mom; he knows that’s a lie.

She strides over to his petrified form, frown covering her face.

“Evan, honey, what’s wrong?”  
“N-no, no, no, you’ll- you’ll hate me”

“Why would I ever hate you for this?”

“Because it’s a boy!”

Evan swallows, his body finally reacting and letting him shift back, but his mom is faster, she catches him and pulls him into a hug, hushing sounds coming out of her as Evan remains there.

“It’s ok baby, it’s ok”

Evan all but collapses into her embrace, crying in what feels like relief, she doesn’t ask why he had been hiding it, just asks Evan to talk about who the boy is, and that’s ok, Evan can talk about Connor.  
He doesn’t notice the way his eyes light up as he tells his mom how he realized, and everything he’s noticed about Connor, or the increasing amount of orange hearts; but Heidi does, and she hopes he will return her boy’s feelings, because she would hate to see that light gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy shit, fanart??!!  
> hey yes, look at this: https://messsara.tumblr.com/image/168755261973 (I'm beyond happy this exists); it was made by "Alviett" or @messsara on tumblr


	9. Shared color

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Am I rushing this story? Maybe. But do I have something amazing planned to make up for it? I mean, I have some ideas; not for this story in particular, but… yes.   
> This has bits and pieces of chapter 15 of “And you decided [etc.]”; but it’s like the second half of it, so I highly recommend reading it.

Connor had been wrong about how he’d act if Evan liked someone other than Zoe. That is to say, he wasn’t ignoring it like he thought he would, the opposite actually.

Connor wouldn’t say he was stalking Evan Hansen, a stalker would’ve known everything and anything about Evan, Connor was still trying to get to know more than what his hearts told him. So no, technically Connor wasn’t a stalker; also he was pretty sure you had to be some level of fucked up to actually actively stalk someone, that or be in the law… where was he going with this thought? Right, Connor was fucked up, but not in the way one had to be to be stalking someone, he didn’t think; man that sentence sent his min whirling.

Ok, so the point here was, that Connor was now not only trying to find information on Evan Hansen, but that he had a particular subject he wanted to know about. So yeah, Connor was actively trying to figure out who Evan had a crush on.

With Zoe, and by that rule Alana, out of the equation; Connor only knew of one person that hung around Evan, but Connor was quick to add him to the negative list. Kleinman was seemingly Evan’s only friend, sure, and that fact arose a couple of emotions inside Connor, but he was also pretty sure it wasn’t Kleinman, somehow…

Ok, so Connor didn’t actually had any reason not to think Evan was crushing on Kleinman; it was mostly a gut feeling. One could argue that the last time he trusted his gut had landed him here, but Connor was sure Evan did at some point like his sister; why  else would he be staring their way in the halls?

Connor shook his head, gathering the small group of hearts that had gathered in the floor near him; luckily not few enough that he could shove them into his pockets while getting to his locker.

.--. --- ...- / -.-. .... .- -. --. .

Jared happens to see Connor shoving something into his locker, small, impossible not to recognize. Hearts painted in a color Jared had seen over and over for ages, for longer than he cares to admit.

It’s a bit of stretch, but Jared is hopeful.

Hopeful that he’s right, for reasons he refuses to think, because thinking them would require admitting that the piles of hearts back at his home exist.

Hopeful that he’s wrong, because he’s greedy, and he’s terrified of being left aside for something perfect when he’s not even close to good.

Jared does the opposite of what people at school usually do around Connor Murphy, he approaches him. Jared likes to think he was careful about it, friendly even, it’s just that Murphy gears him with little to no trust; granted, Jared sort of deserves that one.

.--. --- ...- / -.-. .... .- -. --. .

Connor didn’t want anyone to find out about his hearts, but out of everyone to do so, Jared Kleinman was the second to worst person possible, the first being the boy Connor was pinning after.

Kleinman wouldn’t leave him alone after he saw the heart, bothering Connor nonstop, Connor is two seconds from flipping on him, when Kleinman dooms him.

“Evan! Over here!”

Connor feels his heart racing, dread settling in, because he can’t have any more hearts popping out, if he does he’ll give himself away. Evan walks over and drops down beside Kleinman, eyes fixated on the lunch bag he places on the table, Connor can deal with this.

The problem slowly turns from trying not to pop hearts at having his crush so close to him, to trying not to snap at Kleinman and ruin any chances he has of even talking to Evan. It’s a thing because Kleinman will not stop pushing.

“-because I’m pretty sure she’s terrified of you, not that I blame her”

“It’s not a girl!”

Fuck, there goes that, now Kleinman knows he’s gay, joy.

“Oh, well, no need to scream, Evan here is also hardcore pining for a dude”

Evan finally looks up from his lunch, bluish green eyes snapping towards Kleinman, blush rising to his cheeks.

“Jared!”

Connor isn’t fast enough, Evan whirls around looking ready to say something, but the blue heart drops to the table before he can, Connor can feel his own heart, the one inside his chest, also dropping ; he  locks eyes with Evan’s bluish green ones, he stands up abruptly, and then he’s running.


	10. We’re awkward souls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is mostly the one-shot in “and you decided…” that it shares a name with; I did add a few details though, as I took a good chunk of it away for the previous chapter.

It happened accidentally, or at least, Evan wanted to believe it had been an accident and not his family friend trying to pull a prank on Evan by embarrassing him in front of his crush.

It happened because when lunch rolled around, Evan found Jared sitting on a table in front of Connor Murphy, and, upon seeing Evan, loudly called him over.

“Evan! Over here!”

Evan had to snatch up the orange hearts that popped on top his head at the idea of sitting near Connor, while also fighting the feeling of dread of being glared at, also by Connor.  Evan somehow found his feet moving him towards the table, and sooner than he anticipated, he’s there, and he’s sitting beside Jared, eyes fixated on his lunch bag; if he looks at Connor more hearts will pop out, and that can only end badly.

Apparently, the whole reason Jared was sitting with Connor, was that he caught Connor shoving hearts inside his locker, and now was trying to get Connor to fess up on who he liked. Evan was really regretting sitting here; he did not need to hear about Connor’s crush on someone that was definitely 100 times better than Evan, but now he’s trapped in his seat.

If he moves he’ll bring attention to himself, if he leaves the table he’ll offend Connor, if he escapes now Jared will never let him hear the end of it; so he’s trapped, listening to his family friend try to coax his crush into talking about the hearts he apparently has.

“-because I’m pretty sure she’s terrified of you, not that I blame her”

“It’s not a girl!”

Somehow the fact that Connor is gay isn't what strikes Evan as surprising, but rather how nonchalant Jared is about the outburst.

“Oh, well, no need to scream, Evan here is also hardcore pining for a dude”

Evan snaps his eyes towards him, feeling heat pooling at his cheeks and ears.

“Jared!”

Evan whirls around ready to say something, anything that could get him out of an embarrassing situation; though he most likely would've just stuttered and rambled incomprehensively. Evan doesn't do that because a bright blue heart drops into the table; and for a beat he locks eyes with Connor before the taller teen abruptly stands up.

Evan is frozen in place, eyes glued to the blue heart that’s still on the table, and Connor is making a quick escape.

“I wasn’t expecting that”

Jared’s voice breaks Evan of his stupor; Evan jumps from his seat, snatches the blue heart of the table, and runs after Connor. It’s brash and not well thought out at all, but Evan needs to know, needs to confirm what he thinks this means.

He somehow, impossibly, catches up to Connor, who’s headed to the school’s parking lot, Evan will lose him if he gets there; he’s unsure why this is a certainty, it just is.

“Connor, wait!”

Connor stops, whirling around to face him, and he looks like he’s flipping through every emotion possible in this situation in a single go, Evan tries to regain his breath, offering the heart to him.

“This is… you forgot this”

Connor looks at him , then at the heart, then back at him like he doesn’t know what to do with Evan, which, same.

“It’s yours”

Evan feels a heart pop up above him at the confirmation, Connor glares at it.

“Why the fuck are you thinking of your crush right now?”

“I… I’m sorry? You’re making it- making really hard not to”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Evan swallows, pulling the blue heart away in his pocket, so he can grab the orange one now lying on his head, with a confidence improper of him, he shoves it into Connor’s hands.

“Here, it means you’re bittersweet, and spontaneous, and protective, and resourceful, and- I’ll shut up now”

Connor takes a hold of it, looking at it as if it holds the answers to the universal questions.

“Oh”

He looks back at Evan, with his piercing blue eyes, the right one has a brown spot, making his heart stutter.

“You… you like me?”

Evan feels himself blushing, but manages to nod; three blue hearts pop over Connor’s head. He breaches the distance between them with a single step, he gives another blue heart to Evan.

“You’re soothing, and patient, and understanding and more shit, but I can’t remember, I’m sorry”

Evan shakes his head, pats his pocket where the previous blue heart still remains, Connor lets the one in his hand drop.

“Right”

Evan nods, to stop himself from parroting back at him, Connor brushes a hand through the back of his head, Evan feels a few hearts popping over him, and the next thing he knows is that they’re both laughing. He can’t remember who started it, or why, just that it feels really nice after all that tension, and that Connor has a nice laugh, there’s blue and orange hearts pilling on the floor.

“Fuck, ok, do you wanna skip with me Hansen?” 

“I uh… sure”

“Cool, cool”

“We should… maybe pick these up first”

“Yeah, that’s probably a good idea”

So they do, in silence, it’s not awkward per se, but it is odd, like there’s something stagnant in the air, but they’re both ok with it staying there for the time being. They shove the hearts away into both of their backpacks, not stopping to see who was getting what, and then Connor leads Evan outside, and Evan figures this marks the start of something, but he isn’t sure what just yet.


	11. Rollercoaster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I want all of you to know I had every intention of finishing this in the previous chapter; but here’s more because I’m weak for long-winded positive commentary.  
> I had this for weeks? Did it delete itself? Did I- did I forget to post it before?

Jared slumps into the table; completely alone.

Part of him is proud, because for the first time ever, Evan Hansen has taken initiative, has gone after the person he likes, something that most definitely spikes his anxiety; that’s kind of amazing.

Part of him is suffering, because if it goes well, if Evan manages to catch Connor, they’ll realize they both like each other, and it’ll be the beginning of the end. Jared knows Connor doesn’t like him, actually probably hates him even, and he knows Evan will try to play mediator but will eventually side with Connor, because Jared doesn’t know how to shut up.

He’s pulled out of his thoughts by a cough; he lifts his eyes and sees a tall boy, black haired with red highlights, he wears a camera on his neck, what looks like a band t-shirt, and probably jeans; Jared can’t really tell, and he’s not making it obvious he’s staring.

“Hey, is this seat empty?”

The stranger points to a chair in front of Jared, he has an easy going smile, it’s almost contagious.

“Sure, don’t mind the decorations; there was some teenage drama a few seconds ago”

The other chuckles brightly as he sits down, lifting a bag into the table.

“I didn’t plan to, but now you’ve made me curious”

He takes the camera off his neck and gently places it on the table, at a safe distance, then proceeds to unpack his lunch; Jared takes a few bites of his own lunch for something to do.

“Sorry man, not spilling”

“Pity”

He’s eating what looks like rice with chicken and eggs, some sort of weird salad. Jared tries to think of why this guy decided to sit with him, he sees a group of people with oddly colored hair glancing at both of them, probably friends with the guy; and honestly this is getting ridiculous.

“What’s your name?”

“Right, where are my manners, I’m Trevor Fletcher, I’m in the yearbook committee, you’re Jared, right?”

He offers a hand; Jared gives him a somewhat amused look, who shakes hands nowadays?

“Yeah, Jared Kleinman”

He takes the hand, because why the fuck not, but instead of shaking it like he expects, Trevor brings it to his lips smoothly, and Jared is gone, holy shit.

“Pleasure”

He’s dreaming, there’s no way this guy with his picture perfect smile, and his fucking pretty face, and unfairly green eyes just made a move on Jared. No there has to be a better explanation, only, upon seeing Jared’s reaction, Trevor gets legitimately flustered.

“Too much?”

Fuck he’s cute.

“Are you- are you hitting on me?”

Trevor gives him a sheepish smile and softly releases his hand; Jared doesn’t know how to cope.

“I can back off”

“No, shit, I just- now’s not the time, so…”

“Ah, that’s fine, really, I get it”

Somehow, Jared believes him. Trevor doesn’t get up and leave, just resumes eating his meal in silence, providing Jared with some much needed company.

By the end of lunch Trevor stands up and goes to the group of people with oddly colored hair, proving Jared right; only then does he notice the lunch bag he left behind, now filled with green hearts; a statement.


	12. Tentative conversations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Have some awkward bonding with the two somehow still pinning idiots.   
> There are many takes on how the Autumn Smiles Apple Orchard fits into each Tree Bros story.   
> I never specified what the hearts were made of, like they have to be made of something to be affected by gravity; but idk what.

Connor drives them to an overgrown place with a tall fence, there’s a sign atop the fence’s door that has long since stopped making sense, beaten down by time, and weather, and men. He parks the car in what once was a parking lot and is the only part where grass hasn’t taken over, and leads Evan around until they find a place where the fence had been knocked out, it’s on the ground in their side, so it was most likely due to weather and not anything else.

The grass brushes their pants, as they tread through apple trees that no longer bear fruit, it’s very quiet, heavy with the smell of nature; Connor turns to steal a few glances at Evan, who’s looking around with a small smile, he has to catch a few blue hearts but he figures that’s a good sign.

Connor takes him to the only part of the orchard that isn’t covered in green, a clearing with some concrete blocks thrown down that have kept the grass away, they’re big and hard to move, and Connor’s pretty sure there’s something living in the holes, they’re also gray so heat absorption is a thing, still, Connor sits on top of the largest one and pats a spot beside him awkwardly.

Evan flushes but and walks stiffly towards him, sitting at a decent distance from Connor. They sit side by side in silence, both staring right ahead, absolutely hopeless, until…

“What now?”

“I don’t- I don’t exactly know”

“Right”

“This is just…”

“Very new?”

“Yeah”

There’s another silent pause before Connor leans back groaning loudly.

"Do you want to talk about literally anything else?"

"I mean... I wouldn't- wouldn't know what to talk about"

"What do you like?"

"Trees?"

"Well, lucky you, we're surrounded"

"Yeah um... where are we?"

"Oh shit, right, you wouldn't know it with the sign, but this used to be an orchard"

"Really?"

"Yep, welcome to the Autumn Smiles Apple Orchard"

"That's an odd name for an orchard"

Connor lets out a breathy laugh.

"You're telling me"

There’s a few sounds of something solid hitting the cement block, and Connor catches a glance of the orange hearts, a short reminder; he wonders, not for the first time that day, how exactly he managed to get into this situation. How in the world is it that Connor Murphy, mess of a human being that he is, gets to have the boy he’s been pinning after for a year to like him back; this is obviously a faulty time line and someone will soon come to fix it, and Connor would try to fight against it because for all his disbelief he’s above giving up on something this good.

“So, tell me something about apple trees”

"Well, did you know they're part of the Rosaceae family, so they're related to rose bushes"

“Huh… that’s actually kind of cool, do you just have an arsenal of tree-related fun facts?”

“I- well I… I think they’re neat”

“That’s great… the whole having something you like enough to search about it thing”

Evan gets this pleasantly surprised look on his face, and this time Connor sees the orange heart properly, a blue one joins it with a clatter.

“What else do you like, besides trees?”

And so it begins, it’s still awkward as fuck, and kind of an experience, really; but Connor finds himself sharing simple information and eagerly listening to what Evan exchanges. As the light starts to abandon the orchard they’ve built a considerable pile of blue and orange hearts, and for the first time in a very long time, Connor feels hopeful.


	13. Color horoscopes and dye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There’s a lot to be said about my shitty chapter summaries; to make things easiest: They’re not actually chapter summaries.

Jared was extremely glad when he went to school next day and the only thing different was that Connor now could be seen around Evan; the two were obviously still getting used to the idea of liking each other, it was good because Jared would’ve had a much harder time being around them if they had immediately become a love-sick couple. No, this was much more manageable.

The other thing that was different was Trevor, who started appearing around Jared a lot more frequently, often cutting the awkward atmosphere with his presence alone, or maybe that’s just Jared.

Trevor is an odd addition to the group, in the sense that he slips in and out of their newly formed trio with an astounding ease; he isn’t the only one added, because apparently Connor is actual friends with Alana Beck, as in, she actually refers to him as a friend; Jared thinks it has something to do with how similar their colors are.

Yes, Jared does tend to analyze people based on the colors their hearts tint themselves,   and since Evan first showed him the hearts he spouted for Murphy, Jared did his research. It makes an awful lot of sense that Murphy is orange, honestly, Jared can’t see him as any other color; and that hurts a bit because now that he knows this, it’s easier to see why Connor would be a good match for Evan as well.

Alana is gold, or what the world of hearts defines as gold, it’s more like too yellow to be orange but too orange to be yellow, a nice in-between; colors that are close to each other tend to get along better when it comes to platonic relationships, it’s probably one of the main reasons why Jared thought Evan was pinning after Zoe; the two would probably get along splendidly.

He saw Trevor with the oddly dyed group a few times, trying to make any differences, and slips of character that would tell Jared the guy was just playing him; what he found was Trevor in his freest, smiling widely, laughing brightly, eyes ablaze with something Jared couldn’t name as he said things that he couldn’t hear to people he didn’t know. Jared also saw green, as Trevor seemed shameless over the hearts, they would appear at certain points, always accompanied by a blush and a softer expression.

Jared wondered why Trevor kept hanging around when he knew Jared couldn’t return the feelings, why he kept coming back with the same soft but comfortable look in his eyes. He wondered, also, more than anything, what color made Trevor Fletcher.

.--. --- ...- / -.-. .... .- -. --. .

There was a rule that all members of the yearbook committee had to dye their hair in what would then become their signature color; only it wasn’t really a rule, their president, Elise, dyed hers blue and violet, and helped Trevor put red highlights in his; then both of them convinced Ava to add green streaks to hers, and then Ava told the others it was a thing, the next day the four remaining members had their hairs dyed.

There was probably something to be said about the fact that they all chose colors similar to their hearts; Alexei who had only whitened their tips to blonde was brown, Gale who had an undercut and dyed the longer part sky blue was cyan, Irene who had gone full indigo was actually purple, Lester who opted for fuchsia was actually magenta, Ava wasn’t simple green but lime, and Elise was lilac. Trevor though, Trevor was just as red as his highlights, maybe a purer shade, but he could tell he was red.

Trevor couldn’t exactly remember how he found out, it felt like one day he was just as clueless about his color as the rest of humanity, and the next he was red. Trevor liked the color red, but he never looked up its meaning, not until he absolutely had to.

It started way back, long ago enough that at the time he thought it would just disappear, and he had plenty of other crushes that made him think it finally did, but without fail the colored hearts would return. Bright green and almost annoyingly familiar by now, and even though Trevor had an extensive collection of the things, he had never made any attempts until now.

There was something to be said about the fact that it took nine years and an army of six to get him to talk to Jared Kleinman; and of course, be rejected. Trevor knew he would be beforehand, was prepared for it, because he knows Jared has his own collection of colored hearts, and knows none of them are red.

When you like someone, you tend to notice things about them other people don’t, particularly if you harbor feelings for them for as long as Trevor has; and Trevor has seen the blue hearts that Jared treats like a curse, watches the boy he’s absolutely hopeless for break his own heart, and though he knows green and blue are too close together to be a perfect match, he wishes Jared would go after his happiness; even if that means Trevor never has a chance with him. Trevor is a hypocrite when it comes to Jared.

Now that he’s confessed, he stays around, because he knows what it feels like to watch someone you like pining after someone else, and Jared needs a friend; if Jared smiles purely because of Trevor, then that’s plenty more than he deserves.


	14. Broken hearts and hearts (part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How long do I have to be writing for to have signature moves? It’s been 9 years, time skips should definitely be my signature move; like, oh, Starysky205? Yeah that guy sure loves to jump forwards in time. Where was I going with this?  
> Right, I told you all I wouldn’t make this a slow burn, well, I don’t know how to make it not one if I respect the normal movements of time, therefore: a time skip happened.

It’s one thing to know about something, and it’s a whole different one to have factual proof.

Imagine you have a friend, someone you’ve known your whole life, who saw you through each moment with a wavy but comfortingly familiar smile; imagine you want something with this person. It’s not the weirdest thing to think about, at one point smiles and gazes and laughs and gestures turned into more, so much more, and you’ve become accustomed to your path being dyed in their color, to stacks upon stacks of hearts, but you never say anything.

At first you tell yourself it’s a question of sexuality, then a question of familiarity, then a question of lack of options, then… you don’t remember the rest of the excuses, and you know they’re excuses because this has never been anything but about you. Sure, it’s about them as well, sort of, not really, they have no idea what you’re going through, and a part of you knows that he wouldn’t hurt you, but the part of you that it’s screaming he’ll desert you if he finds out is much, much louder.

Now imagine they like someone else, and there’s the distinct sound of broken glass echoing in your head and behind you, where a heart, the same color as every other you’ve gotten for them, lays shattered in the ground. You’ve never seen one of these things break, and you’ve no idea why it sounded like glass, or why the fact that it did bothers you so; but you recognize the look of someone who’s pining from experience, and you recognize the feeling of heart break just as well.

Jared had that same experience twice now, the first one happened back when he first saw Evan staring longingly at the Murphys as they went; now he know he wasn’t actually looking at Zoe like he first thought. The second time happens with a little more warning, that is to say, Jared knew it was bound to happen, and yet… here he is again.

It’s one thing to know your long-time crush is dating someone, because for all the tentativeness of it neither Evan nor Connor called it anything but; and another whole different one to see them sucking face in the hallway. Ok, maybe sucking face is too much, but they’re definitely kissing, there’s lips pressed to lips, and bodies angled into each other, and hands holding the other in place; it is %100 percent a kiss, in the hallway, where everyone can see… the implications here are the worst part, because it means Evan likes Connor enough not to care, and that’s kind of monumental.

The crash is so loud Jared is half expecting them to pull apart and look for the source, but they don’t, Jared is almost glad, almost. He bends down, picks the pieces of the broken heart up and throws them in the nearest bin, and tries not to think too much on the metaphor.

As he gets rid of the heart he notices something liquid fall to the bag, and takes a few blinks to realize his finger is bleeding; behind him, someone clears their throat. Jared turns not knowing how to feel, and sags a bit when he recognizes Trevor; the boy takes one look at him and takes his non-injured hand, not breaking eye contact once through the entire movement, Jared lets him do.

“Come with me?”

There’s a gentle tug at his held hand, barely even noticeable, a suggestion, Jared lets him lead them to the bathroom as if running on automatic. Trevor guides him to the sinks, turning on the faucet and giving him a soft look.

“Think you can clean up so I can assess the damage?”

Jared nods, a tight knot in his throat preventing any words from forming. As he washes his hands he can see Trevor out of the corner of his eye digging through the pockets of his jeans.

“Aja! Can you dry off now? I’ll band aid you”

Jared scrunches his face in slight amusement, that’s not how the word works; he still can’t talk though, so Trevor won’t be hearing this from Jared. He follows instructions with a bittersweet feeling hanging off of him, but doing what he’s told is easier than trying to make sense of his own simmering thoughts. Trevor keeps a small comforting smile on him the whole time, as he wraps the Band-Aid on Jared’s finger with sure hands, like he’s done it a thousand times.

“It’s a good thing I’m used to carrying so many of these around”

Jared stares at it until the words finally push into his mouth, only they’re not what he wants to say.

“Why do you?”

Trevor chuckles at him, Jared can’t tell if it’s from amusement or because he’s just as baffled at Jared’s inability to say two words.

“My best friend has a terrible track with floating hearts, but that’s not my story to tell”

Jared nods, of course, because that’s just like Trevor. He takes in a deep breath closing his eyes for a moment to steel himself, and ignores the fact that he’s treating this like it’s terrifying; it is, to Jared it is.

“Can I touch you?"

Jared opens his eyes again, startled by the sudden question, Trevor flushes and sputters in place.

“I did not mean it like that, I swear, gods that sounded so bad”

And Jared starts laughing, because how is this guy real? Trevor shifts in place, still flushed, biting his lip as Jared gets a hold of himself.

“Fuck, I needed that”

Trevor regains that smile Jared has come to associate with him, there’s a flash of green both of them ignore, before he opens his arms in a very inviting way.

“Hug?”

And well, the knot in his throat has lessened but not yet disappeared, and Jared decides to fuck it, and just take what is being offered to him. He gives a nod, because he might as well give some sort of warning, before he leans into Trevor, the other wraps his arms around him a second after, shifting so they’re both more comfortable; Jared lets himself hold onto Trevor’s back and enjoy this.  


	15. Healthy relationships, unsteady minds (part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No, you’re not missing anything; this is titled differently because it’s a different perspective.   
> I love romance, never experienced it myself, so obviously I’m writing about it… this is my life, these are the decisions I’ve made. Don’t do me kids.  
> This is short because my mind went completely blank while writing it, and I just kept repeating myself when I tried to add to it, so I made the call to just let it go.

Trust is essential in a relationship.

Now, Connor's never been in one before Evan, and he's actually still kind of baffled about the fact that they are, that he has a boyfriend; it's an experience. But Connor has done his research in an attempt to make things with Evan perfect; and thousands seem to attest for the veracity of this statement.

It isn’t always easy, they both have their own load to carry, and they’re still learning to let the other help, so trust is a bit of a tricky issue for the two of them.  It's something they have to work on, something they build during the weeks they spend getting to know the other.

Connor trusts Evan, and he likes to think that trust goes both ways; he has reason to believe it, of course, but still.

They've been dating for a while, two weeks and half a day specifically according to Evan, and they've established boundaries, what can and can't be done and where, the kiss is mostly a test, something they had agreed to try. Being pulled into a kiss in the middle of the hallway was nerve-wracking, but kissing Evan was amazing, Connor felt as though the whole world had finally slowed down for a bit; it was warm, and safe, and makes Connor extremely light.

As they parted Connor held Evan in place, pressing their foreheads together, from this close he could see the flecks of yellow in Evan's eyes, and the freckles that dotted his nose.

Two hearts fall into the floor, matching orange and blue, Evan lets out a sigh as a smile forms on his lips and he leans into Connor, who tightens his hold on him slightly, sighing in content.

It wasn’t the first kiss, that had happened a little earlier in the relationship, not too early though, the first week had been entirely about learning, about proving each other this was real. It happened after a particular hang out/date that had gone for longer than intended.

It was dim outside, just dark enough for the streetlights to have turned on, but not dark enough to cause another screaming match, not dark enough to see anything other than the moon, not yet. They were saying goodbye for the night and there had been something thick and heavy in the air as they both tried to beat around the bush for another second, and then... then Evan had breathed deeply, grabbed Connor by the collar of his shirt, and brought him down to crash their lips together.

Evan might have started the kiss, he was one for rash actions apparently, but Connor is the experienced one, as in, he has some idea of how this is supposed to work; he hadn't actually put any of his knowledge to practice until right then. Evan, being the shorter, had to lean his weight into Connor, a combination of malfunctioning legs and the cast making it harder to hold on; it was clumsy.

It still is clumsy, now that they've reached this point, but it’s better, and perhaps one day it’ll come naturally, or maybe not at all, and either way Connor would still keep it high on the list of things he likes to do. Most things related to Evan make it to the positive lists, and yes, Connor does actually keep said lists, somewhere no one will ever find them, but still, very real.


	16. Ironically neither is Christian

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ok so, let’s progress this fucker.   
> I call violet the more reddish one, and purple the more bluish one, so… here we are.   
> I’m sorry this is short, I’m just… tired I guess, I’ll still give this story a proper conclusion, but it might take a bit.

Trevor walks Jared to his next class, no attempts at changing his mood, or making light of the situation, just companionable silence with worried glances if Jared stared for too long.

People like Trevor Fletcher were supposed to have it easy, to have the people they like, like them back; he wasn’t supposed to fall for someone like Jared, who was so much of a mess, but he did. Perhaps one day Jared would be brave enough to ask him about it, to hear Trevor talk positively about him without the sting of knowing he’s doing what Evan does to him to someone else, only Evan doesn’t know Jared’s feelings, Jared is perfectly aware of Trevor’s.

Jared thinks about it while the teacher drones about the book they had to read, and all the  meanings behind this or that, but Jared is busy doing hyper analysis of his own life to be bothered.

Jared keeps going over what he knows about Trevor, and how he acts, and how he talks, and everything that’s happened since they’ve met.

 

The bell rings to signify the end of the class, and the teacher dismisses them, Jared packs up the things he didn’t use but had out to better fake involvement, he has no reason to look down, not really. Behind him, bellow his desk, sits a single heart, pure red.

.--. --- ...- / -.-. .... .- -. --. .

The first person to find about the hearts was Ava, it was a good thing she knew about Trevor’s sexuality, or the color would’ve caused quite the issue between them. Ava was the only one to find accidentally, then proceeded to tell Trevor about her own crush, violet and green hearts surrounded them by the time they finished talking.

Alexei was the easiest to tell to, considering how much they spent exchanging stories, is fell out of his lips easily enough.

Gale and Lester found out next, they were the most likely to bother him about it if they found against his will, not that the duo didn’t tease him after he took the initiative to tell them. They were supportive, of course, and the ones to push Trevor the most when it came to confessing.

Irene found fourth, sort of out of accident, mostly because Trevor couldn’t stop himself and liked to produce hearts in his free time by thinking about Jared. She asked what he was thinking and he answered with his crush’s full name without thinking; luckily she didn’t make fun of him because of it.

Elise was the last to find out, Trevor was a bit apprehensive about telling her, but as his best friend, Elise saw his act a mile away and confronted him. The conversation that transpired was long and sentimental, but by the end he couldn’t help but feel relieved she knew.

The seven of them were close, so it shouldn’t have surprised Trevor when they all decided it was due time he made a move, and consequentially, that they would help him out; but somehow he is. It’s not the best moment, Trevor has this feeling in his chest like it’ll go wrong, but Elise insisted that if he didn’t do it now he’d never do it. Trevor had to learn to trust his feelings, but well, it could’ve gone worse, at least he didn’t make a fool of himself.

He’s in a bit of a mess, because this change has done nothing but solidify his feelings, make them real and in plain sight. Trevor sighs deeply before he heads towards Jared’s classroom.

... -- .- .-.. .-.. / - .. -- . / ... -.- .. .--.

Jared comes out of the room looking lost in thought, but the moment his eyes land on Trevor his entire demeanor changes and he smiles, it only makes sense that such a sight would cause a reaction and Trevor couldn’t stop the green heart from appearing. Jared approaches him and looks at it with a raised eyebrow.

"I'm sorry I just..."

"Man you have it bad"

His tone is teasing, like the heart isn’t meant for him specifically; Trevor smiles.

"To be fair, you already knew that"

Jared's smiling like he finds it particularly amusing.

"Yeah, I guess I did"

There's a moment of silence before Jared motions for Trevor to follow and starts walking for the cafeteria. Trevor follows with a tingly feeling in his chest, falling into step with the shorter boy.

The sounds of his own hearts falling serves to hide the ones following Jared; though his happen more rarely, they still make a trail of matching hues with Trevor’s; out of sight of the two of them.


	17. Complementary colors and faulty descriptions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I’d be lying if I say I’m gonna miss this; like, cool concept or whatever, but I am,,, so tired. Anyway, enjoy the Skyler Ghesh ‘weird open ending that somehow ties most things up’ TM  
> I wrote the meaning of red hearts back when these were just one-shots; and sure, I could totally change it, it’s made up! But I feel like it’s better if I leave it as it is. After all, personality tests aren’t always %100 percent right.

It wasn’t the first time Jared had barged into the Hansen household, but it would most likely be the last. See, Jared had never wanted to see his only friend in someone’s lap, he couldn’t think of a single situation where it wouldn’t be awkward as hell; it was particularly bad when that someone was Connor Murphy, and the two had been exchanging spit.

Evan, who turned to look at the door first, had now buried his face deep into Connor’s left shoulder, while Connor seemed as though frozen in place; it would be funny if Jared wasn’t also petrified. There was a long silent pause before Jared composed himself and smirked expertly.

“Oh, don’t let me stop you”

Evan groaned loudly from his hiding spot, and Connor finally re-gained his usual glare; all in all a great icebreaker, Jared mentally gave himself a pat on the back.

“What the fuck do you want Kleinman?”

“Wanted to borrow Evan’s copy of the color guide”

Evan finally abandoned his hiding spot to frown at Jared.

“Why can’t you use yours?”

“And face the endless teasing from my sister? I thought you liked me at least a little”

Evan lets out a long sigh, Jared can see just how at ease he looks, he doesn’t know what Connor did to manage that, he wishes he did.

“Fine”

He slips away from Connor, who looks annoyed at the turn of events but doesn’t put up a fight; both of them have very noticeable effects on the other. Evan disappears upstairs and Connor turns to Jared.

“You’re really confusing Kleinman”

“I’ll take that as a compliment”

Connor looks like he wants to say something else but decides not to, Jared decides he feels glad and not whatever other emotion he could’ve felt. Evan comes back a few minutes later with the book, and a look Jared knows too well.

“I’ll just take a pic of the meaning I need and be out of your way”

Evan relaxes and hands the book to Jared before sitting next to Connor; Jared makes quick work of searching for the right color, and then proceeds to do as he said. With the picture taken and no reason to hang around, Jared leaves in a similar manner to how he entered, wordlessly.

\- .. -- . / ... -.- .. .--.

Jared runs back to his room, and lifts his pillow, revealing the heart he had hidden under there this morning; with as much care as he could he shifted it closer to him as he opened his phone with the other hand and got to the picture he had recently taken, making triple sure he hadn’t made any mistakes.

Red hearts were passionate in certain things and fickle in others, could be all consuming with the right influence, or could burn out in seconds. The best match for a red heart is a green one, though they may also get along with blue and indigo hearts.

It doesn’t entirely make sense, but he knows who this heart appeared for, and that person is perfectly aware of this color, wears it like a neon sign over his person. Trevor Fletcher doesn’t quite fit the color red.

And yet… yet read paints everything Jared has come to realize about him, and everything he still has to find, and everything that makes Trevor in his eyes; all of it is red. Perhaps Jared is so dubious of the color because of what it represents, always danger, and destruction, and loss; or passion, and romanticism, and love; a contradiction that seems unfitting of the one person Jared actually feels secure about.

And he should be happy, overjoyed that fate has finally allowed him a rest from the flood that has lead his life till now, and the broken pieces of blue he’s gotten sort of decent at throwing away. He’s seen the boy he once love, and perhaps still does, be clear about his love for someone else, and managed not to break because he was blinded by red.

It should be the best fucking thing to happen to him, but he doesn’t know how to deal with it, doesn’t know who to turn to with this problem; doesn’t want Trevor to get the wrong message or idea.

\- .. -- . / ... -.- .. .--.

Zoe Murphy is the last person Jared thought he’d end up talking about feelings with, and he’s still not sure how they got into this situation, but she’s willing to listen, and she’s unbiased, so Jared takes the chance he’s been given.

Zoe lets him ramble, impossibly patient as Jared confuses even himself, and backtracks, and goes in circles; but he managed to get everything out, and somehow she gets it.

“I think you should explain it to him, not only what you feel about him but also why it bothers you”

Jared takes her words to heart; gets his ideas down in paper so they make sense, and goes to Trevor.

Talking with Trevor is nerve-wracking and relieving in spades; but Jared swallows his own thoughts, and forces himself to be honest for once in his life.

“I need to say a lot, and I need you to listen”

Trevor smiles at him, that same small grin that seems to be crafted for Jared alone; if he sees the heart that drops beside them he doesn’t say anything.

“For the longest time I was crushing for Evan, no matter how many times I tried to get him out of my head I couldn’t; he was all I had”

Jared looks everywhere but at Trevor, but it isn’t hard to know the other was aware of Jared’s crush.

“So when I first found out he was crushing for someone else, someone perfect for him... I was heartbroken, and I’ll spare you the detail of everything that happened on that front, but he’s happy now, and if Murphy hurts him I’ll kill him, but-“

Jared cuts himself, he’s derailing, and his eyes move to find Trevor, who looks mildly amused. Jared breathes deeply.

“Thing is, I never thought someone would like me, and then you show up with your… everything, and I’m scared, I’m terrified that what I feel for you is just a passing thing, because you don’t deserve that and- god, stop me before I make this worse”

Trevor takes a step towards him, tentatively reaching to grab his face, softly making him look him in the eyes.

“You are the most impossible person I know; how can anyone be so selfish and selfless at the same time?”

He looks at Jared like he’s being honest, like he actually can’t believe he’s real, then he sighs and green falls to the ground.

“Can I kiss you?”

Jared gulps loudly, he hadn't known what he was expecting for Trevor's reaction, but this was definitely not it. Does Jared dislike the idea? No, not one bit, and there are red hearts in his head that will attest to this. 

"Y-yeah"

Trevor smiles brightly and closes the remaining distance, and Jared melts into the contact; it’s nice, and slow, and careful, and very much like Trevor himself, it’s red.

 

The end.


End file.
